(1)

Maupassant or maybe Flaubert said:
to write good descriptive essays,
you need to write about at least 40 people.

  • In summary, Bacon also said:
    knowledge is power, eat less bacon.

  • I don’t actually want to write good descriptive essays.

  • I’m just way too familiar with ED,
    if I don’t write about him once my heart just itches unbearably.

(2)

ED, Chinese name Chen Weijie,
English name ED.

When introducing him to others, often it goes:

  • “This is ED.”

  • “Huh! Does ED mean…?”

  • “No no… it’s just an abbreviation of his name…”

So later ED learned a new word — jǔruò (loser).

(3)

The way we pronounce ED is 'ed.

But because it gets called so often,
nicknames like “Ah-da”, “Ah-da-wa” also came out.

Once a junior read his name as ,i:di:'wəd

So ED got another weird nickname “Yi-di-wo-de”.

(4)

ED’s account name on most websites is edward_mj.

According to him this is because edward is such a common name,
all the good accounts are already taken.

So he could only add an mj suffix,
meaning “majia” (alt account).

Over time mj became his main identity……

Now his classmates at Zhejiang University all call him “Majia”……

(5)

ED doesn’t mind how close friends call him.

In fact ED is pretty laid-back about most things with close friends.

  • One time when we annually ran over to ED’s home neighborhood to play,
    everyone egged on ED to BG (treat) us,
    and ED very fishy-block-ly (cluelessly) treated us.

  • Recently ED set up a Google-accessing service on his own server,
    he just shared it with everyone to use.

(6)

But in front of strangers ED looks very shy & proper.

Because after getting close to him everyone feels such a big contrast,
ED got a unanimous review from many friends: “(secretly) horny.”

To this day many people still call ED “Sao-jie” (Horny Jie)

ED feels this is really annoying,
he asked me: “Why do you think this is?”

I thought about it,
and said:
“Maybe it’s because you really are (secretly) horny.”

Actually being horny is no big deal,
Qu Yuan was sao too. (pun: 骚 means both “horny” and the literary genre Qu Yuan wrote in)

(7)

In middle school I was in Class 1,
ED was in Class 2,
in theory we shouldn’t have been that close,
but we were deskmates in the informatics olympiad (OI) class.

OI in middle school was basically a process of natural selection,
since many vacations we had to stay at school,
it was really lonely,
so many people who weren’t that interested dropped out.

So a class of 50-60 people in 7th grade
shrank to just me, ED, Li, LuLu, He Shengyu and Sun Yanmei by 8th grade.

With fewer people,
each of us had our own fixed seat,
and I ended up as ED’s deskmate.

From 8th grade to senior year of high school,
we were deskmates for five years straight.

(8)

Later when chatting with Feng Ke,
she very surprisedly told me:
“You were also Chen Weijie’s deskmate.”

Feng Ke was ED’s deskmate in elementary school,
she thought “ED is just too ‘uke’,
anyone can bully him”

This statement is just so true.

In the first year of high school ED sat between Da Hui and Brother Ye,
during that time their biggest hobby was poking ED.

ED is ticklish,
every time he was poked he’d squirm like a radish in Plants vs. Zombies’ Defend the Radish……

So Da Hui and Brother Ye liked poking ED even more.

(9)

After getting to know ED I chatted with him,
he told me a particularly funny story from 7th grade.

At the time my Class 1 and ED’s Class 2,
shared the same Chinese teacher,
a young man fresh out of college, full of enthusiasm.

One evening during dorm bedtime chat,
ED’s dorm was playing prank phone call games.

A classmate dialed the Chinese teacher’s number:
“Hello,
this is Red Sleeve Midnight Emotional Hotline.
Press 1 for emotional stories,
press 2 to chat with pretty girls……”

Then (on speaker),
silence on the other end for a long time,
followed by the sound of a single “beep” key press……

The whole dorm was holding back laughter,
and asked:

“Excuse me did you press 1 or 2?……”

……

(10)

During vacations the only ones in the dorm were the few of us studying for olympiads,
so me, ED, and Bill, the three of us slept in the same dorm.

At the time ED had a flip phone,
this phone had a really cool function button on the side,
press it once and it would automatically flip open with a zzz sound.

Bill and I both really enjoyed playing with this button,
so in less than two days we broke this button……
it stopped working……

The three of us all felt sad……

(11)

ED often suddenly displays unparalleled 2B (idiotic) vibes…

Once during a school-stay vacation,
in the morning we were brushing our teeth on the balcony.

ED was brushing,
and suddenly he sighed:
“Actually, I think my thighs are pretty thick and strong!”

I froze for a second,
then laughed myself silly……

Hahahahahaha to this day I still want to laugh thinking about it……
Too funny……

(12)

Actually ED is very skinny, looks like a bamboo pole.

And ED is taller than average
(like, sits in the back row of the class

A few years ago when I was riding in my dad’s car,
just casually chatting with my dad,
my dad suddenly said:
“Recently there’s this popular word ’tall-rich-handsome’,
many people get called ’tall-rich-handsome’,
I’d say,
Chen Weijie is what really counts as ’tall-rich-handsome’…”

I have to say I instantly bowed in worship to my dad’s erudition,
and to the side-description technique I had just learned……

(13)

ED’s home is in the city center,
we have a group of friends we hang out with really well,
so basically every vacation I’d go stay at his place for a few days,
running around the city with him like crazy.

ED’s parents are really nice to him at home,
even when we ate dinner outside and came back,
when we were chatting and online in the room at night,
his mama would still bring in a bowl of sliced fruit for him.

ED’s family also has a dog,
ED says this dog has high IQ.

But what I see is just a 2B doge:

The floor is mopped too clean and slippery,
the dog’s paws are clean too,
so whenever it sees a person,
it happily slips and falls on the floor……

(14)

In college ED joined ACM
(Association for Computing Machinery-International Collegiate Programming Contest)
(simply put, it’s the world university informatics contest)

In sophomore and junior years he led Zhejiang University from China all the way to the finals in Russia,
went to two Finals.

To make an analogy,
it’s like the 2018 World Cup,
ED led the Zhejiang University soccer team out of China to Russia
(this analogy is too weird

I asked ED what his thoughts on Russia were besides the competition,
ED said:

  • Too many pretty girls!

  • Why don’t Russians learn English!

  • Foreign WIFI is so hard to get on!

(15)

Long-term logic training has given ED unusually clear thinking.

So ED can clearly know in any situation what he wants
and what he doesn’t want.

So ED understands how he should develop in the future,
which people can help him,
how to solve problems.

So ED doesn’t have a girlfriend……

(16)

ED is also very melancholy about this:

  • ED: I’m not a bad guy,
    why don’t I have a girlfriend?

  • Me: Maybe you’re too 2B (idiotic)…

  • ED: I have dignity too! ♂…

  • Me: Then maybe you’re too shy…

  • ED: Once I get close I dare to do anything!…

  • All I can say is: Then you’re screwed…!

  • ED: ……

  • ED: Okay… I’m screwed……

(17)

As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together,
ED and I are on the same frequency in many ways.

This time ED came to Shanghai,
he mysteriously asked me:
“Have you seen that video on B-site
‘This old man has never seen such a pretty girl’?”

Me: “Huh? What video is that…”

So ED pulled it up to show me,
I listened for two seconds:
“Isn’t this the four-leaf clover girl from Malaysia!”
(https://www.acfun.cn/v/ac1195212)

We just clicked instantly.

(18)

ED recently changed his WeChat avatar to EDWARD from Fullmetal Alchemist,
ED says they not only have the same name,
they both have younger brothers,
and the anime is pretty good too.

ED’s previous avatar was Ali,
he particularly likes that chubby fox.

So during that time his wallpaper, stickers, and avatar were all Ali.

Later ED started liking Sankarea.

So he changed the cover of his personal homepage to Sankarea.
(https://edward-mj.com)

Engineering guys are this single-minded when they like something.

(19)

Three years ago, before ED went to Zhejiang University I told him:

“When you find a girlfriend you have to tell me,
during vacation you have to bring her back,
I definitely won’t run over to your room to hang out anymore ;-)”

Three years later, ED very worriedly said to me:

“I feel like in some sense Zhejiang University and SJTU are the same…”

I comforted ED:

“It’s okay. Look at your senior 2009,
he doesn’t have a girlfriend either,
his situation is even more tragic than yours.”

Then I incidentally explained the 2009 / Nine Yin Manual meme to ED……

(20)

In middle school I already thought,
ED was probably going to be my best friend.

So me and ED have never said things like “let’s keep in touch”.

Anytime,
whenever there’s something fun,
or something frustrating,
I just type one thing:

“ED”

Pop open the chat window.

This is my friend,
Chen Weijie.